I have failed…

It’s extremely hard to admit. However, I have failed. When was the last time I posted a devotional? Almost four months ago? I am not writing to say woe is me or to seek validation from others. I am writing because deep down I think some of you out there may have felt, or are feeling, like I have felt, and quiet honestly am still feeling. Missed opportunities, lost special moments, chances not taken. I have allowed them to take over and become this large, black, ominous cloud hanging over my head. It’s exhausting wrestling with the failures every day. I am tired of laying in bed, night after night, berating myself for what I failed to do that day.

Are you tired of that too? I’m guessing we could sit on my porch sipping coffee, talking for hours about the things we’ve missed because of our inaction. We could moan about the lost time we didn’t spend with our children, family, friends, spouses. We could nod our heads in agreement at the feelings of inadequacy due to our own misdoings. But…why would we do that? Why would we sit there and agree that we have failed…that we dropped the ball? Well, acknowledging it helps bring it to light. Wasn’t it G.I. Joe who said, “Knowing is half the battle.”? We know what we have and have not done, so let’s address it together.

It doesn’t matter where in the world you are reading this at, we have all been affected by the global pandemic. We have all had hard times. We have all had moments of fear, anxiety, possibly hopelessness. We might have felt overwhelmed, unsure, lost and alone. We have seen and experienced things that we never thought we would. This is uncharted territory for all of us. I don’t know about you but I seriously thought this would all be over in a short amount of time. When I realized that would not be the case I decided I was going to seize every opportunity I had and make the most of our quarantine…

…but here I sit, five months after the beginning of our lock down, wishing I had crammed every moment full of learning, growing, sharing. I look back at the lack of guidance I gave my children, the lost time I could have spent in Bible study with them, the missed opportunities to blog about what the Bible says we should do in times like these. To make matters worse, I saw, online of coarse, families who really had it all together. The families who did crafts, had fun exciting things planned for days and days indoors. The families who have read every book under the sun, who have come closer while studying God’s word. I could go on and on, but where would that get me? What I can do, besides getting off of social media, what we should all do if we find ourselves sitting in the guilt and hopelessness, is turn to God and his word.

Believe it or not there are people in the Bile who failed to take the opportunities God handed to them. Ah, yes, they were human too and had bad days just as we do. Thank you, Father. If I had to read about all of the perfect people in Biblical history, I would start to feel defeated. Have you read the book of Jonah, or anything of King David? Great men, a prophet and a king…chosen by God and very human!

Let’s start with Jonah, a very small book in the Bible between Obadiah and Micah:

“The word of the LORD came upon Jonah son of Amittai: ‘Go to the great city of Nineveh and preach against it, because its wickedness has come up before me,’ But Jonah ran away from the LORD and headed for Tarshish.” Jonah 1: 1-3

Well now…Jonah literally ran away from the task God gave him. Ouch! Maybe you’re saying, ‘I didn’t run away from the task He placed before me. I was right here the whole time.’ Yes, so was I…literally in my house the entire time, I had nowhere else to go. However, I heard God speak to me, I knew He gave me the quiet time needed to study with my kids, to guide them, to even have conversations with them about God and his plans for us and I did not seize those opportunities. Running, hiding, you betchya.

Looking back to Jonah we find him on a ship sailing to Tarshish, believing he was so smart and could out run our God. Let me just say, from my own personal experience, when you think you can out maneuver God, out wit him, out run him, you will be quite mistaken. God’s plans for you are just that, FOR YOU! He will not let you avoid them, dodge them, side step them. Again, thank you,Lord.

“Then the LORD sent a great wind on the sea, and such a violent storm arose that the ship threatened to break up…Jonah had gone below deck, where he lay down and fell into a deep sleep. The captain went to him, ‘How can you sleep? Get up and call on your god! Maybe he will take notice of us and we will not perish.’ “ Jonah 1: 4, 5-6

Let me just stop right there and add something before we continue reading. God notices. God always notices, even when we are trying so hard to be sneaky about what we are doing. We may say to ourselves that we are not be trying to be sneaky about it, we may be avoiding things out of sheer exhaustion or unease. We may think that we are not doing this, or doing that, on purpose…it just sort of happened. Which is where I found myself at. Rest assure, God notices. That is why the storm came. God noticed Jonah’s running and would not let him off that easy. OK, back to Jonah.

“So they (the sailors) asked him, ‘Tell us who is responsible for making all of this trouble for us? What did you do?’…He answered, ‘I am a Hebrew and I worship the LORD, the God of heaven…’ This terrified them and they asked, “What have you done?” Jonah 1: 8-10

What have you done? Wow…I might not have had others standing over me asking this question but I have asked this of myself many times over the past five months. What have I done? Why have I wasted so much precious time? I know I am a Christian, I pray to God, I know he is my salvation and yet I have failed him. I ran from my purpose, my plan set before me. Sound familiar? Hurts, stings a little, doesn’t it? That’s alright, we can learn from this.

Jonah realized he had brought the storm on himself and those around him and had the crew throw him overboard. What I love about this is what God does next…

“But the LORD provided a great fish to swallow Jonah, and Jonah stayed inside the fish for three days and three nights.” Jonah 1:17 (emphasis mine)

But…Jonah ran, he hid, he tried to ignore his calling. BUT…God provided. He provided a way for Jonah to escape the storm that he had brought upon himself. God was right there to protect Jonah and help him in his time of distress, even though Jonah turned his back on God. Wow! I mean…wow! Despite what he had done, God was willing to save Jonah, even if it was in the belly of a fish.

Have you been called by God to go to a Godless city and preach to them to repent of their evil ways? No? Neither have I. So why do we feel as if we are not going to be forgiven, saved, kept from harms way despite what we have done? We are no less important to our Father than Jonah. We are loved, redeemed, cherished…forgiven!

King David, God’s chosen king of Israel, a man after God’s own heart, was human and flawed, just as we are. In 2 Samuel 11 we read about David’s sinful ways concerning Bathsheba.

“From the roof he (David) saw a beautiful woman bathing. The woman was very beautiful, and David sent someone to find out about her. The man said, ‘Isn’t this Bathsheba, the…wife of Uriah…?’ Then David sent messengers to get her. She came to him and he slept with her…Then she went back home. The woman conceived and sent word to David, saying, ‘I am pregnant.'” 2 Samuel 11: 2-5

There’s so much of this story that, I feel, is left unsaid. Without the ‘extra details’ we can still see David’s sin. We read about the mistake he made, but there is more to his story. David had Uriah brought home from the war, invited him to the palace and inquired of him and his soldiers and how the war was going.

“Then David said to Uriah, ‘Go down to your house and wash your feet.’ So Uriah left the palace…But Uriah slept at the entrance to the palace with all of his master’s servants and did not go down to his house. When David was told…he asked him, ‘Haven’t you just come from a distance? Why didn’t you go home?’ Uriah said…’The ark and Israel and Judah are staying in tents…how could I go to my house to eat and drink and lie with my wife? As surely as you live I will not do such a thing!’ “ 2 Samuel 11: 8-11

If you have read this story before, you know what happens next. If you have not read this before, I think you can tell David is getting in way over his head on this one here. That happens sometimes, doesn’t it? You know you have made a mistake, either on purpose or inadvertently and try to cover it up. What ends up happening is the small mistake becomes this monstrous thing we have to deal with now. It’s exhausting, overwhelming and it just won’t go away.

David tried to get Uriah drunk thinking he would then go home and lie with his wife. When that did not happen, David came up with another plan. (Let’s pause for a quick moment here. How often do we find ourselves trying to divert from the original mistake that was made instead of facing it head on? Instead of dragging my feet about not doing what I had the opportunity to do I made excuse after excuse and then BAM, five months went by.) David had Uriah put on the front line of the heaviest battle.

“In the letter he wrote, ‘Put Uriah in the front line where the fighting is fiercest. Then withdraw from him so he will be struck down and die.’ ” 2 Samuel 11: 15

To add insult to injury David, after a time of mourning, had Uriah’s widow, Bathsheba, brought to the palace. Now, you read that God was still there for Jonah despite his turning away from him. Well, God was still right there for David as well. He sent the prophet Nathan to David to rebuke him and to make him realize that God saw what he had done. (2 Samuel 12: 1-12) God didn’t have to do that. God could have left David where his was, wallowing in mistake after mistake, but he loved David too much to do that.

Granted David’s actions had severe consequences, which you can read about in the rest of 2 Samuel 12. Our sins have consequences, as they should, but the beautiful part of all of this is that God forgave David. David admitted to Nathan that he sinned against the Lord and Nathan replied, “The LORD has taken away your sin.” (2 Samuel 12:13) God didn’t stop there. Years later he blessed David and Bathsheba with a son, Solomon, who became one of the greatest kings of Israel.

Have you ever plotted to have someone killed so you could have their spouse and cover up your infidelity? No? Neither have I? So, again I ask, why do we feel as if the things we have done are so bad that we failed our God? Why do we feel like we’re lost causes, hopeless and useless? We’re no less important to God than David was.

Please keep in mind that the people we read about in the Bible were human. Human…flawed, sinful, arrogant, selfish, mean…you get my point. They were also trusting, loving, committed to God, selfless, humble, lived lives of servant-hood, caring, welcoming, sharing…the list goes on. You see, God knows we have flaws, he made us, he gets us. And THAT is the point…he KNOWS we’re going to fall short, we’re going to trip up, we’re going to miss the mark…and he still created us. He created us and set us own our own paths, with our own purposes (Jeremiah 29:11). He never gives up on us, he forgives us and removes our sins from us (Psalm 103:12).

My point to all of this? Don’t give up! You haven’t failed him…my beautiful friend just spoke these word into my life and I know she would want them spoken to you as well. You cannot fail him. You are NOT a failure! Sure, you may have tripped a bit, we all do and that’s okay. God will be there sending you hints, helping you to get on track. He may send you a life preserver in the midst of your self-created storm, or he may send someone to speak truth into your life.

Jonah ended up going to Nineveh and speaking to the citizens there. David continued to live a life after God’s own heart and his son, Solomon followed God. You see, if he can take their mistakes and turn them around…can you imagine what he can do with our mistakes?

My prayer for you is that through the difficult times of noticing your mistakes you will seek God and have him guide you through them. May you stretch out your hand to his and allow him to direct your next steps. May you stop hiding in the lie of failure and inadequacies and live the life God intended for you. May you hear him whisper truth after truth into your heart: You are worthy! You are enough! You are loved! You are NOT a failure!

See you on the front porch.