“And after the fire…”

I feel it like it happened just a few moments ago; the panic, nervousness, anxiety and sheer terror were taking over. I felt useless, helpless, like I had lost control of the entire situation and I could feel the tears sting my eyes. Nothing I did worked, in fact, it all seemed to make this episode much worse. I paced around the house, slowly at first. When that didn’t help I quickened my pace and by the time I convinced myself to stop I was nearly jogging through the kitchen (the dogs had no idea what to think). I tried listening to music…that nearly put me over the edge…music speaks to me in ways I cannot explain. In the past listening to music has calmed my racing heart and eased my fears, so when the melodies didn’t help I felt utterly lost. I tried my deep breathing exercises, you’re right, they didn’t help, they didn’t even last a couple of minutes. Before it was over I was on the couch, hugging my knees to my chest, rocking back and forth, sobbing, pleading for God to come rescue me.

Just typing those words, passively reliving that moment, brought a quickness to my heart. I know this needs to be talked about. I know someone needs to hear this. But we tend to shy away from it and that tactic clearly isn’t helping anyone. I hesitated when God placed this topic on my heart for fear of being too personal, too emotional, too in depth, too what…too much? But if I don’t say the words, who will? We seem to think that we don’t need to address it, that someone else will, or that the media will cover it. Why is that? Why would we want that to happen? Why wouldn’t we want to share our experiences, even the painful ones, if they’ll help someone? I talked about this in my post “Don’t Go it Alone” (July 25, 2019). We need others to lean on for encouragement, support and to be our life line when we need it.

This was not the first time I had had an anxiety attack. Anyone who has watched me get on an airplane knows that I tend to be an anxious individual. (When we have time to chat face to face I can tell you about the time I yelled at the pilot on the plane. Not one of my finer moments. Okay, it was a video of a pilot…and still not one of my finer moments.) But this…this episode was in a league all its own. It was powerful, overwhelming, dangerous and I felt like it was going to consume me.

“When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul.” (Psalm 94:19 emphasis mine)

This joy the psalmist is talking about, for me, was small, gentle, peaceful. It wasn’t a loud, huge, over the top type of joy. And it was exactly what I needed to experience in that moment. I was drained, mentally and physically. I wasn’t going to get up out of my fetal position and start jumping for joy, and God knew that. He knew he had to handle my raw emotions with tenderness. He knew that my rejoicing and praise would come. This is still so precious to me today. He didn’t demand a certain type of rejoicing and praise and he didn’t demand that I do it immediately.

“The LORD said, ‘Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the LORD, for the LORD is about to pass by.’ Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper.” (1 Kings 19: 11-12 emphasis mine)

“And after the fire…” It’s after the fire that I cling to. In 1 Kings 19:11 God tells Elijah to go out and stand on the mountain. He tells him to do this! God allowed the powerful wind to tear at the mountain. He allowed the rocks to be shattered. God allowed an earthquake which I can only assume was more devastating than the wind, and he allowed the fire to happen. And after the fire…read those words again. After everything that happened, after mountains crumbling and shattering, the ground shaking violently, opening up and swallowing everything in its path, after the fire that burned what was left of the destructive forces that came before it…there came a gentle whisper. I have to tell you, that’s what this anxiety attack felt like, like the forces of nature were at war trying to fight their way to me so they could be the first to wrap their hands around my neck.

“And after the fire…”

I have been sitting here, staring at those words, just soaking them in. I thank God for the moments after the fire. The peace did not come all at once and in a sudden moment of relief from the panic. It happened gradually, gently. Looking back on it, I’m not sure that I would have appreciated the “after the fire” moment, as much as I do, if it had happened all at once. If God had given me exactly what I wanted, when I wanted it, I can honestly say I would not be as grateful for it. He was there, I was not alone, yet he made me go through it. He used the gripping fear I was in to get me to seek him with all that was left in me. I know I could have given up and given in to the terror that was barreling toward me. But here’s the thing: as scared as I was in that moment, I was more afraid to give in. I was more afraid of what was on the inside of the anxiety attack that was trying to tear me apart.

“Be still and know that I am God.” (Psalm 46:10)

I was. I was done pacing. I was finally done rocking back and forth even though the tears were still falling. I was done pleading for God’s help. I was done. I was still. I was quiet and I KNEW it was God. I knew he was there in the stillness. He was all around. He filled the room, but did not suffocate me. I could actually breathe. He was calming. He was peaceful. He was loving.

“The LORD gives strength to his people; the LORD blesses his people with peace.” (Psalm 29:11 emphasis mine)

And what a blessing it was. Strength? Well I didn’t feel like I could get up and run a marathon, but I did not feel week and useless as I had during the attack. I can still feel that peace and strength, right now, as much as I can feel the panic and anxiety. However, I focus my mind on the peace that came “after the fire”. I can close my eyes and see myself there on the couch; the tears were still falling, but my breath was slow and even, and my body wasn’t tense. I can see myself slowly acknowledging the peace that surrounded me and I cherish that very moment.

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your request to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 4: 6-7)

I am hoping that you are not afraid of these verses. I know that the first part of the passage can be intimidating. It was for me. Does this mean that if we have anxiety and panic attacks that we are not ‘good’ enough, not praying hard enough, not thankful enough, not…fill in the blank…enough? NO! Absolutely not! You are more than enough! You’re human, I’m human, and thank God he still loves us and values us. God does not want us to go through our lives worrying and anxious. He wants us to take those worrisome thoughts and bring them to him. He wants us to trust him to handle the ugly, messy things that make us nervous, anxious, scared. He also wants us to go to him when we are experiencing that anxiety and worry. His peace is…well it ‘transcends all understanding.” And is a beautiful thing!

My prayer for you is that when this world tries to drag you under in fear, you will call out to God in trust. When the uncertainty of life seems to overshadow all that is good, you will bow down in prayer to the One who is good. When the panic and anxiety try to cripple you, you will shout to the One who made the lame walk. When the destructive forces of this world try to take everything from you, you will wait on God “…after the fire…”.

See you on the front porch.